Tactical Empathy
A flooded person cannot be argued down. Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, found another way in, and it has little to do with being nice.
Voss spent years on the phone with people who had taken hostages. He could not give them most of what they wanted and could not make them do anything. What he had was his voice and what he chose to put into it. His method rests on tactical empathy: showing, accurately and out loud, that you understand the other person's world.
Tactical empathy is a skill you use on purpose. Sharing their emotion or endorsing their position is optional. What counts is showing them you get it, precisely enough that their nervous system registers being understood. It very likely works on the same principle as naming your own feeling: putting an experience into words helps regulate it.
In practice:\
- Make them feel heard before you try to be heard.\
- Describe their view as they see it, and let your verdict wait.\
- Hold back argument, correction and defence until they feel understood.
Voss's word for the usual mistake: people try to be interesting and make their point, when the whole game is being interested.
The sign it worked is two words, "That's right", which mean they feel understood. "You're right" often means they have given up and want you to stop.
In real life: Lukas and Viktoria's son slams his bedroom door after a sleepover is cancelled. Lukas feels the old sentence coming: "Do not slam doors in this house." He waits out his own wave first, and when it has passed he knocks and says, slowly: "It seems like this feels really unfair, and like nobody is on your side right now." A long pause. "That's right." Only now does his son tell him what actually happened.
🎯 Takeaway: Make them feel heard before you try to be heard. Aim for "that's right", and most other tools work better after it.
Try this
Think of a recent conflict where you defended your position early. Write one sentence that would have shown the other person you understood their side, without agreeing with it. Say it aloud and notice how it feels.
📱 In the app: Learn → Negotiation
📖 Go deeper: The Anger Signal, Chapter 18