Finding the Need Behind the Position

In every argument, there's what people say they want, and what they actually need. Resolve the need, and the argument often dissolves.

Positions are what people demand: "I want you home by 6 PM every day." Needs are what's underneath: "I need to feel like our family is a priority."

Most conflicts escalate because both people are fighting over positions instead of understanding needs. When you dig below the position to the need, you often find solutions that neither person had considered.

How to find the need:

Ask "What's important to you about that?"

Ask "What are you worried will happen if we don't?"

Reflect: "It sounds like you need safety, or respect, or fairness, or connection."

This works on yourself too. Before stating your position, ask: what do I actually need here?

In real life: A couple argues about whether to visit his parents for the holidays. His position: "We should go, they're my family." Her position: "I don't want to go, it's too stressful." Their needs: He needs to feel connected to his family and not feel like he has to choose. She needs rest and to feel like her comfort matters. Once they see the needs, a compromise emerges: a shorter visit with built-in downtime.

🎯 Takeaway: Stop arguing about positions. Start asking about needs. That's where the real resolution lives.

Try this

Think of a recent disagreement you had. What was your position (what you said you wanted)? What was your underlying need?