Finding the Need Behind the Position
In every argument there is what each person says they want and what they actually need. Two positions can be flatly incompatible while the needs underneath sit together easily.
A position is the specific demand: "Be home by six." The need is what it stands on: "I need us to still feel like a family." The negotiation scholars Roger Fisher and William Ury called this the move from positions to interests. Conflicts get stuck in positions, while at the level of needs there is nearly always a door the positions can't see.
To find their need, ask questions that start with what or how:\
- "What's important to you about that?"\
- "What are you worried will happen if we don't?"\
- Reflect a guess: "It sounds like what matters is rest, and some say in how the weekend goes."
Steer clear of why when you ask the other person. "Why do you want that?" lands as an accusation and gets you a defence. Keep the three whys for yourself, where they take you down to your own need.
Then set the table with one sentence from Fisher and Ury: it's us against the problem. "We both want this weekend to work. Can we look at it together?"
In real life: Lukas wants to spend the whole long weekend at his parents', and Viktoria wants to stay home. His position: "They're my family, we have to go." Hers: "I can't face three days there." She asks him what matters most about going. He wants his parents to see the children, and he doesn't want to feel he has to choose. When he asks what worries her, she says she needs rest and one day of the weekend that is theirs. They settle on Saturday at his parents' and Sunday at home.
🎯 Takeaway: Stop arguing about positions and go looking for needs, theirs and yours. Ask what and how, keep why for yourself, and put the problem on the table between you.
Try this
Think of a recent disagreement and write your position in one line. Ask yourself why three times and write down the need you land on. Then write your best guess at the other person's need, and one option that would meet both.
📖 Go deeper: The Anger Signal, Chapters 15 and 19